


"At Least I Didn't Sleep With Kant!"

by Aria_Lerendeair



Series: Aria's SH Bingo Fics 2019-2020 [35]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Bad Eating Habits, Friendly Debates, Friendly Nagging, How Alec and Ragnor became friends, M/M, Magnus is confused but supportive, Sass, Sassy Bastards, friendship fic, supportive friendships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24937135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/pseuds/Aria_Lerendeair
Summary: It starts with bad eating habits.Alec makes a point to make sure that Magnus and Ragnor are eating better, since they are horrible about it.  In turn, they do the same for him.  Alec and Ragnor end up bonding over the enjoyment of irritating each other with demands to eat.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Ragnor Fell & Alec Lightwood
Series: Aria's SH Bingo Fics 2019-2020 [35]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595839
Comments: 63
Kudos: 468





	"At Least I Didn't Sleep With Kant!"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ValkyrieNyght](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyrieNyght/gifts), [ToTheStarsWriting](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToTheStarsWriting/gifts).



> Bingo Fill For SECRET RELATIONSHIP!!!! (Note: The "relationship" is the friendship between Alec and Ragnor. There is no relationship outside of Malec mentioned. <3) 
> 
> THIS IS ENTIRELY THE FAULT OF THE MALEC DISCORD AND I LAUGHED SO HARD I NEARLY CHOKED WRITING THE DIALOGUE AT THE END. 
> 
> Thank you Val & Val for the amazing fic idea. THANK YOU JUNIE FOR LOVING THE DIALOGUE AT THE END. And thank you Amelia for the perfect note to end the fic on.

Walking into the loft, Alec wasn’t entirely sure what he was expecting since Magnus had mentioned he’d had company, but the sound of two very different voices, swearing, loudly and fluently (was that Greek?), was not it. He blinked and headed for the apothecary, only to see Magnus and Ragnor standing face to face, shouting at each other and gesturing to the potion on the desk. Alec sighed and couldn’t help a small smile. 

“Have either of you eaten lunch?” he called out, raising his voice in volume over the both of them, making them freeze and turn to him, blinking in surprise. Alec waited them out, keeping his eyebrows raised. 

“Alexander, you are the last person on this good earth who gets to nag anyone else about good eating habits,” Magnus said with a huff, glancing at his watch. “But perhaps a break for food would be a good idea. Ragnor?” 

Ragnor crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. “I’ve been taking care of myself and your  _ husband _ long before your mother was a twinkle in her parent’s eye, Lightwood.” 

Alec snorted and rolled his eyes. “Doesn’t mean shit if I’m right about neither of you having eaten since breakfast. I’ll make some tea.” 

Ragnor looked over to Magnus, who appeared stupidly smitten and smacked his arm. “Stop staring soppily after your Shadowhunter, you’re a High Warlock.” 

"And my husband is the Head of the New York Institute, so what is your point, dear?" Magnus called, already heading for the kitchen. 

Ragnor huffed and rolled his eyes, putting their potion into stasis before following after Magnus. He blinked in surprise when lunch was put in front of both he and Magnus a few minutes later, Ragnor watched his friend tuck in and looked to the shadowhunter standing proudly in the kitchen. "You made us lunch?" 

Alec rolled his eyes. "Of course I did. I wasn't going to ask you to summon something." His eyes narrowed on Magnus. "Speaking of which, you can summon your own food! Why on earth aren't you eating!" 

"I don't think you get to complain about me eating, Alexander," Magnus snapped back. "You are just as bad as I am, if not worse. Especially when you get buried in paperwork." 

"My bad eating habits are not the point!" Alec said with a huff. "Now eat your salad. I put arugula in, just for you." 

Magnus beamed at him. "I love you." 

Ragnor snorted and dug into his salad, surprised to find that it was better than expected for something a shadowhunter had thrown together in a matter of minutes. He lifted his eyes up to the Lightwood boy and saw him picking through his salad, talking easily about his day to Magnus. 

He shook his head. One more that he would need to remind to eat regularly, it seemed. As though Magnus wasn't bad enough on his own. Ragnor rolled his eyes and took another bite of the salad. He didn't miss the way that Lightwood's eyes darted up to him, and then to his plate, a pleased grin on his face. 

Ragnor's eyes narrowed. Oh, is _that_ how it was going to be? 

~!~ 

"Listen to me, you've been up for over forty hours, I swear, Magnus doesn't need your translation that badly-" Alec huffed and lifted up a finger to Izzy, shaking his head at her when she blinked in surprise. "I know this, because I'm taking him away for a weekend." 

Isabelle watched her brother pause, listening to whoever was on the end of his phone call. 

"You absolutely will not-" Alec sighed when the phone clicked in his ear and he looked up at Izzy with a smile. "Can I help you, Iz?" 

"Who was that?" Izzy asked. "That wasn't Magnus." 

Alec waved a hand. "One of Magnus' friends who likes irritating me, especially when Magnus isn't answering his phone, and he thought Magnus was here." 

Izzy raised both of her eyebrows. "I...see." Granted, that hadn't made any sense to her, but it apparently had to Alec, as he nodded in satisfaction. "Right, well. I wanted to talk to you about this latest order of Adamas we got in. It's tainted, and it's causing problems with our weapons." 

Alec refocused and sat down to discuss the details with Izzy, promising to speak with the Clave, as well as other Institutes to make sure they hadn't had a similar problem crop up. When a portal appeared in his office a few minutes later, he ignored it and finished his conversation with her before looking up and groaning at the sight of Ragnor. 

"I'm taking you to lunch, Lightwood," Ragnor announced, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Isabelle blinked and stared at the warlock and then to Alec, who was scowling. "I'm...going to leave now. Thanks Alec." 

Alec shook his head. "I don't have time to go to lunch right now, Ragnor." 

Ragnor narrowed his eyes. "When was the last time you ate?" 

"When was the last time  _ you _ ate?" Alec snapped back. "Don't come in here pretending that you've been taking care of yourself when I know you are absolutely atrocious at it!" 

"Don't make me go get your husband! I will pull him out of the Spiral Labyrinth meeting!" Ragnor said, lifting his chin in victory. "Lunch, ten minutes." 

Isabelle shut the door on the two of them bickering and frowned, looking back at it. Alec hadn't asked her to stay, and she did know Ragnor Fell, even if she wasn't used to seeing him bicker with her brother. It was probably fine. 

_Weird,_ for sure. But fine. 

~!~ 

Magnus pressed his fingers to his temples and smiled at Clary and Jace, then at Isabelle. "Ignore the both of them." 

"Magnus..." Izzy said, her eyes moving to the dining room table where Alec and Ragnor were glaring at each other as they dug into their dinners. "Are they all right?" 

"They are stubborn as the day is long and I love both of them dearly, but they are idiots," Magnus said with a sigh. "Now, how about we all get a drink?" 

"That...sounds great," Jace said. The sound of raised voices from the dining room made him stop. "Should we...intervene?" 

Magnus shook his head and spun on his heel towards his drink cart. "I have learned to stay out of it, because if I don't, they both turn on me, and trust me, listening to them insult each other's eating habits is bad enough." 

Clary blinked and turned back to Magnus, accepting the glass of wine from him. "Is that what they're doing? Something to do with eating habits?" 

Magnus sighed and shook his head. "I have no idea what the two of them are doing, but they seem to be bonding over it, so I leave them to it, most days." 

"Right," Isabelle said. She started to grin. "So should I tell you that Ragnor showed up to the Institute the other day demanding that he take Alec to lunch and that he threatened to call you if Alec didn't go?" 

"Did it work?" Magnus asked, looking at her curiously, laughing when she gave an eager nod. "I'll have to try that tactic next time to get him to eat lunch." 

The sound of voices being raised again made him sigh. "If you are going to insist on arguing, finish your dinners first," he barked. There was marked silence, and if he wasn't mistaken, the sound of very, _very_ aggressive chewing. Magnus turned back to the others with a smile. "So, how have you all been?" 

~!~ 

Alec hung up his phone and sank back in his chair with a sigh, rubbing his forehead, trying to massage away the headache he knew was the direct result of not having eaten anything since the pastry he’d gotten with his morning coffee. Unfortunately, his reprieve was too short to grab any sort of food and-

A tupperware container appeared in front of him, the scent of freshly steamed vegetables, mixed rice, and steak tips making his mouth water. Alec blinked at it in surprise. A moment later, a post-it note appeared. 

_ Eat.  _

_ Don’t make me tell Magnus I caught you not eating.  _

_ R.F.  _

Alec smiled faintly when a fork popped into existence and fell into the container, followed by a bottle of water, and a fresh cup of coffee. That old fucking _softy._ He reached for the coffee when another post-it appeared on top of it. 

_ Coffee is not a food group.  _

_ Eat first.  _

This time a bark of laughter escaped him before he could stop it and Alec held up his hands, even though he knew Ragnor couldn’t see him. “All right, all right. Food first,” he agreed, digging into the lunch he’d been sent with a happy hum, his headache already starting to recede. 

He’d have to make sure to return the favor sometime in the next couple of days. 

~!~ 

“....and as I was telling Ragnor, I don’t care what those bastards at the London Institute are saying, they should be…” Magnus blinked when he realized that Alec was frowning at the clock. “Alexander?” 

“Hm?” Alec asked, frowning as he did a quick mental calculation. He turned around and began preparing a third plate. 

Magnus watched in amusement as Alec carefully put together a third plate, added an extra helping of the roasted vegetables they’d made, and then wrapped all of it, carefully. “Alec?” His husband didn’t respond, only walked past him towards the table, rifling through the paperwork he’d left there before he emerged with a pen and a stack of post-it notes. 

He continued to watch as Alec wrote out two quick post-it notes and pressed them to the food and raised both of his eyebrows when Alec turned to look at him. “Making lunch for yourself, Alexander?” 

“No, late dinner for Ragnor. I’m sure he hasn’t eaten today, especially if he was dealing with the London Institute. Could you send this to him, please?” Alec said, holding out the plate. 

Magnus blinked and took the plate before snapping his fingers and disappearing it in a wave of blue smoke. “Why did I just send dinner to Ragnor when he can snap up his own?” 

“Do you remember to eat even though you can snap up your own dinner?” Alec asked, pushing Magnus’ plate towards him. “Or lunch in this case. Eat. Both of you. _Honestly.”_

Magnus snorted and rolled his eyes. “Ragnor is going to curse you for babying him. I can see it now. I won’t undo whatever curse it is, Alexander. You’ve brought this on yourself.” 

Alec grinned. “Ragnor won’t curse me, he loves me,” he shot back, digging into the food that he had made for them both. 

“Right,” Magnus drawled, watching a fire message fly through the air and into Alexander’s hand a moment later. “And there it is.” But there was no flash of magic, or wince from Alec. Only a quick smile, before he let the rest of the message burn up. He blinked. “He didn’t curse you?” 

“No,” Alec said. “Did tell me I under-seasoned the vegetables, though. I think he just has no taste buds left all of that time he spent working as a spice trader.” 

A surprised laugh burst out of Magnus’ throat. “He told you about that?” 

“Actually, I guessed silk trader, and he was quite happy to correct me,” Alec said, grinning up at Magnus. 

Magnus took that in for a second, frowning before he shook himself. “I’m sure that he was, Ragnor always likes to correct people.” 

“No fucking kidding,” Alec said with a snort, rolling his eyes. “But I know you love him regardless. I’m just trying to make sure the bastard eats on time.” 

“Rather like I do with you,” Magnus said, pressing his hand to Alec’s side, tilting his head up for a kiss. He smiled into it and leaned into Alec. “Shall I make you late returning to work?” 

Alec groaned and turned, pushing Magnus back against the counter. “As though I’d ever say no to that question, Magnus.” 

~!~ 

Aline studied the report she was reading, mouthing it to herself as she walked, making notes to give to Alec after lunch when she caught sight of him sitting in front of a small bistro not far away. She blinked at the warlock across from him, because he appeared to be... _ glaring?  _

She slowed her walk down and as she got closer, she heard the two of them arguing, rather passionately, by the sound of things. It took her a second to realize it was in Latin. She could recognize some of the words, but the two of them were conversing fluently and she couldn’t pick up. The last thing they needed was someone saying the Inquisitor had been arguing with another High Warlock who wasn’t his husband. 

“Alec?” Aline called, stepping up closer to his table. 

Alec lit up with a grin. “Aline! Oh, fantastic, I can introduce you to Ragnor, since he can’t disappear on me.” He pointed his fork at Ragnor. _“Eat,”_ he ordered, before turning to her properly. “Aline, this is Ragnor Fell, one of my closest friends, and one of Magnus’ best friends. He’s the High Warlock of…” he paused and frowned. “Wait, didn’t you give up London?” 

Ragnor snorted. “You’re not allowed to mock me for my memory if you’re forgetting that, Lightwood.” 

“Oh piss off,” Alec snapped back, turning back to Aline with a smile. “Former High Warlock of London, and one of the Academy professors. I’d have him do more than wave at you, but he won’t eat if he does.” 

“Speaking of eating, don’t think that introducing me to your partner in crime means you’re going to get out of eating, Lightwood. Don’t make me enchant the plate to follow you around until you eat,” Ragnor said, taking another bite of his steak with a hum. 

Aline blinked and looked between them. They were  _ friends? _ “Can he actually do that?” 

“Can and have!” Ragnor said proudly. “Only had to do it once, though.” 

Aline muffled a laugh with her hand and ignored the glare from Alec. “Well, thank you for making sure he eats properly, Ragnor.” 

“At least someone appreciates my efforts!” Ragnor said, smirking at Alec, taking a sip of his wine. 

“You’re just mad because you think that Aristotle-” 

“Oh no, we’re not getting into that mess,” Ragnor said, pointing to Alec’s plate. “Eat.” 

Aline put two and two together and looked between them. “Is that what you were arguing in Latin?” 

“It’s so much nicer to argue in the original languages of the masters,” Alec said, smiling at her. “Just a friendly debate, I assure you. I’ll see you after lunch? I want to finish catching up with Ragnor.” 

“Yes, of course,” Aline said, giving Ragnor a nod. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Mister Fell.” 

“I like her, she’s polite,” Ragnor said, nodding back to her. 

Alec snorted and rolled his eyes. “Eat,” he ordered again, kicking at Ragnor’s knee. “Don’t make me tell Magnus on you.” 

Aline continued the walk back to her office and looked back over her shoulder at the both of them, once again arguing and pointing forks at each other and had to smile, faintly. It  _ was _ good to see Alec with friends outside of his more immediate social circle. 

~!~ 

“So, darling,” Magnus said, stepping through a portal and into the loft, snorting at the sight of Alexander preparing three plates or dinner that had somehow become his habit over the past year since they’d moved to Alicante. “I have heard a rumor and I have to address it with you, immediately.” 

Alec raised his eyebrows and turned to look at Magnus. “Oh? What is it this time? Are you having the torrid love affair or am I?” 

Magnus’ lips twitched. “You, this time.” 

Alec snorted and rolled his eyes. “Like I have time for a love affair for fuck’s sake,” he muttered to himself. “Who is it with?” 

“Excuse you, Alexander Gideon Lightwood, we are having the most torrid of love affairs!” Ragnor said, portaling into the loft behind Magnus. 

“I refuse to sleep with someone who slept with _Kant,”_ Alec deadpanned. 

“So you judge me on who I’ve slept with but not Magnus?” Ragnor huffed, moving to the kitchen table, taking out the silverware. “I see how it is!” 

Alec pulled down an extra wineglass. “It was  _ Kant,  _ Ragnor. Do you honestly expect not to be judged?” 

Ragnor huffed and took the wineglass he was offered. “I cannot be blamed for my desire for absolute honesty-” 

“Too much  _ desire  _ by the sound of it,” Alec shot back, offering Magnus a wine glass with a flourish. 

“No wonder people think you two are having an affair,” Magnus said, quiet awe in his voice as he watched Ragnor and Alec slide their food easily into place. 

“Listen here,  _ pup,” _ Ragnor growled, narrowing his eyes. “You are not allowed to talk!” 

Alec scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I’ve only ever slept with Magnus, it’s not like you have past affairs to throw in my face, Ragnor. Or do I need to bring up Poe, and your pining, again?” 

Magnus turned around and stared at his friend incredulously. “You told me you hated Poe!” 

“He had a certain appeal, at times,” Ragnor said through gritted teeth. “Don’t pretend that the two of you are innocent, you’ve nearly been caught in your office a dozen or more times and-” 

“Not my fault I married the most handsome man in the world,” Alec said, giving Magnus a wink, before sipping his wine. “I cannot be expected to keep my hands off of him.” 

“Even when he’s seducing you with the most  _ saccharine _ of Shakespeare’s sonnets?” Ragnor sneered. “A criticism I believe you have expressed, multiple times, in fact.” 

Alec flushed. “That was one time! And it’s _Magnus!”_

“Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day,” Ragnor drawled. “Thou art more lovely and-” 

“Argh,” Alec groaned, dropping his face into his hand. “Stop, stop, you win this round.  _ Fuck. _ I blame Magnus. He makes anything hot.” 

Ragnor summoned a notebook to his hand with a pleased hum and put a checkmark in the column under his name. “There. Even again. You deserved that for the comment about Kant.” 

“I hope he told you your dick was small,” Alec grumbled, digging his fork into his chicken. “Now stop gloating and eat your food.” 

Magnus looked between the both of them as they dug happily into their dinner and looked down at his own food with a grin. If the two of them were in a secret relationship, they might just deserve each other. He snorted and took a sip of his wine before turning to look at Ragnor. 

“So, Poe, huh?” 

Ragnor sighed and put down his fork. “I am not getting into this discussion again.” 

“Damn right you’re not,” Alec said. “Eat your dinner, or I’ll get Magnus to enchant it to chase after you while you’re working.” 

Ragnor scowled at him but took a large bite of his vegetables. “Don’t boss me around, brat.” 

Alec winked at him. “Love you too, Ragnor.” 

“Why do I love you two again?” Magnus asked them, wonderingly. 

“Because we feed you,” Alec and Ragnor said together. 

Magnus sighed and picked up a vegetable on his fork before he grinned at the both of them. “At least I slept with Casanova.” 

_**“Magnus!”** _

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Criticisms welcome!
> 
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> 
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> 
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